September 11, 2010
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…everything is pretty much random right now…
even this post will probably skitter back and forth like everything trying to find a place in my life and brain right now. between sick family members, school stuff, random ridiculous scenarios, and everything else the world currently has to offer, i’m just lucky i’m still standing!
all of this mess compacted and compounded and carried around on my shoulders on a daily basis is starting to be a bit wearing. i hate to complain and lament, yet again, it’s just a little rough these days. the waiting and wondering about my mom and grandmother’s health is the worst of it, for sure. if the outcome is worst-case, then we’ll have two cancer-laden ladies in the family. joy. at best, we’re probably still looking at two sets of treatment (which may, or may not, include surgeries) within the next few months. double joy.
it’s awful, because sometimes all i can think is, "if i were away at grad school, i could just be sympathetic from afar." i know that’s 178 million percent terrible, but i don’t deal well with this kind of stress anymore. it’s like those crazy twenty-one months of hell i went through zapped me of all my patience, caring, sensitivity, and (perhaps most of all) my coping skills. now, when i have to spend the majority of the day empathizing with aches and pains, nodding understandingly about lack of energy, and going on quests to (my favorite locations on earth) fast food joints, in search of food combinations only the very most pregnant of women could top, i just want to collapse.
but then, there’s the classwork to be done. and the personal escape to be found. but i can’t even have that without paying the price of defending my time and space. the only serenity i have is in the hours i spend curled up on the futon in lex’s office, pen in hand, books spread open, plowing through page after page of text, pouring more knowledge into my brain than should be humanly possible, and hoping to high heaven that it doesn’t all come gushing back out again.
all of this rant-worthy nonsense led to a decline in my week, ending in what i can only meagerly describe as a very rough day yesterday. my self-esteem, heart, and brain just weren’t in furthering my existence. i wanted to bury myself in my bed and lose a day or two out of this year.
last night helped…i probably wasn’t nearly as good an addition to everyone else’s evening as they were to mine, as i was still a bit morose. but i managed to wake up this morning with the energy and motivation to finish the chapter i was on for class, do the weekly laundry, and clean myself up a bit.
i’m still not sure how to pack the rest of the stuff into the happy balance i found this morning. it seems like i can only add so much to my juggling routine before i start dropping things left and right. i keep up my studies, but then i lose my temper with my family. i hang out with my family, but then i don’t have time to talk to my friends. i talk to my friends, and then i can’t put my brain back in my books. there’s just something always out of place–and i’m not used to that experience.
it’s maddening and dreadfully tiring.
how on earth is one supposed to manage it all?
i feel like three years ago i was somehow a fully functional adult–and suddenly, i’ve got some parts that are entirely kaput–so the system doesn’t work run quite as smoothly as it once did.
how are you supposed to get all those bits of your juggling act back up in the air after they’ve all fallen down on the ground around you?
