dear the people i went to high school with who now have kids:
evil children will eat your insides on toast as part of a balanced breakfast i'm gonna need you to stop expecting me to car
e. and for the love of all things holy,
please understand this:
i. do. not. want. to. see. baby. pictures.
that's the only thing worse than if you're actually toting the baby along with you and you introduce me to the child--forcing me to make small talk in ridiculous voices with an infant who can't tell a cat from a shoe. by showing me the picture(s) of your vile spawn, i'm forced to do the one thing more personally revolting--make small talk with you. about your infant. who can't tell a cat from a shoe. but, God love him/her/it, he/she/it practically never cries. oh! except when it's feeding time. which is
all the time for an infant--i've taken care of babies before. you're not fooling me.
here's the thing. i'm just not interested. so you can procreate. great job. you and 90% of the reproductive-aged people in the u.s. but i feel very much the same about people having babies as i do about chasing alligators in the everglades. just because you're capable doesn't mean you should.
the alligator has his ways of finding out where you live.
lucky for you, he'll be happy to take your children in exchange. but you? you're all out there, spreading your evil seed amongst us. letting them wander freely in the grocery store, where i have to avoid running them over, because i walk more quickly than their tottering, clumsy strolls. letting them scream for a candy bar while i'm just trying to make a bank deposit. smacking them when they do something stupid, but not bothering to tell them how to behave more appropriately.
and you're letting them drink soda. shame on you. i cannot begin to count the number of times i've seen parents put soda in a sippy cup. seriously, people?! my ovaries are frightened to the point of making things very uncomfortable for me, and it's getting tiresome to constantly reassure them that they're not going to have to suffer to meet such ends.
i have no tolerance for your offspring, and i'm through feigning interest while i'm trying to buy cards for mother's day. just because we went to high school together and we're standing in the same aisle at a store does not give you the right to talk to me. you weren't nice to me back then, and i certainly don't have time for you now.
so, stop showing off your burdens of ill-repute. i know that makes little to no sense, but who cares? neither does any of you having given birth to any portion of the future of our universe.
additional comments:
- please don't make me guess your baby's gender. you will be sorely disappointed with my response.
- if i get the slightest inkling that you couldn't afford to carry or give birth to that chap, you will have to face my wrath.
- and if i see you in line buying your beer separately from the rest of your purchases, for which you've used some sort of government check, i'm going to unleash a whole herd of friday-shirt unicorns all over you. and you'll deserve it.
oh, and--for the last time--i don't care what else you've been up to since graduation either.
(**faye elizabeth and addison, please note that this post does not apply to you**)
Comments (53)
Ha ha ha ha! I'm still a little weirded out to see former classmates with kids, but living out of town now, it's not so much of an issue. While I do not share your level of vehemence on the topic, I will say that it bugs me when people put their kids' pictures as their facebook picture. No offense to any of you out ther who do, but I want to see you, not your kids. Put them in a specially marked photo album or something.
BTW - who are the "friday-shirt unicorns?" because they must be pretty tough cookies.
@treacleandink - check this out: friday-shirt unicorns (i have this shirt, actually. it wins me much acclaim
)
Damn! I know how it feels. Its like sometimes they think that they are like, " Look what I did I have 3-4 kids and I am contributing to our futures as a people." But wait one sec while I make you feel like crap because you dont have a kid but allow me to pay for all of this food with WIC and Food Stamps because I couldnt afford to really have these kids. But I am gonna talk down to you because you have to check out my groceries for a living. Well you know what? I am NOT on welfare, wic or food stamps. I may be a lowly grocery clerk but at least I dont keep popping out kids to stay on government assistance. Then again they are cute kids.
Babies are ugly and should be kept locked in basements for a while - roughly sixteen years. Then when they are released, they should have to walk by a Hot Topic. If they hesitate for more than thirty seconds or go inside; they should be shot in the temple with one of those bolt guns they use on cattle.
This will solve most of the world's problems.
I haven't seen a perfect post like this in a VERY long time. I wholeheartedly, I mean that with a passion, WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree. Thank you.
Hahaha! I love this post. XD
Ahaha! This post is ridiculously hilarious! I love it!
HAHAHA! I share your sentiment!
Parenting fail pictures.... omg.
P.S. I feel the same way. I have a hard time having joy for people's babies.
Agreed! The baby picture problem isn't confined to just people you went to high school with. I think when people have their first kid they feel the need to show baby pictures to every person in sight, even the ones that have ugly baby pictures.
Isn't it funny though how these petty differences that existed in high school seem to just disappear for no reason?
I'm a mom and most of those things still drive me crazy. Great shots.
Hell yeah.
Wow. I actually enjoyed this blog. I'm not a fan of kids, honestly - ugh I just don't do well around them. Hence why I never babysit, and when you catch everyone else babytalking the little stranger about boo boos and babas. It's just like "Grow up!" It hasn't a clue what your saying, in fact the only reason it's laughing is the same reason I'd laugh, you look and sound ridiculous. When everyone jumps out of their seats to go fawn over the child. I sit and ignore the whole thing. All the girls I went to highschool with were teenage moms, their not sending me pictures, their facebooking whole albums! Anyway, great post, made my day.
yup yup haha...
@jaggedlilheart - lol, d, i love you! i didn't even consider your situation--i bet you run into these people a lot more than i do. give this zinger a try: when they start in with the joys of children, give them the *face of disbelieving pity* and say, "oh...wow. i'm actually working, like, all the time right now so that i can retire in my 30's and travel the world. having kids would totally keep from being able to do whatever i want for the next twenty years." joys extinguished. score? d: 1; annoying parents: 0.
@SirRob - i don't know what on earth is wrong with your brain, but i love it!
@JamieDrennan - @whereisichi - @theboneofcontention - @KevLajSiab - @mystic_sapphire - @tsh44 - @charm12321 - thanks!
@wishtoremainunknown - i know! the parents always expect you to stop everything you're doing and throw a parade--meanwhile, you're trying your best just to muster some sort of composure to keep from screaming and running away.
@Warholian_Napalm - haha, you're right. i think the worst is people who know they've got an ugly baby. they'll show those pictures all around, in some desperate fits of denial, hoping that just one person will actually say something more descriptively beautiful than, "oh...look at the...baby..."
and yeah, somehow those old prejudices just waft away.
@BreakingArizona - no kidding. the people with the facebook baby albums...oh man. the people with, like, 36 albums of their kids in 4,000 different outfits? "please take note that i have a child! and that child wears things! and plays with toys! and sits in the kiddie pool! and has on his dad's hat! and got bigger this week! and is just like every other child in every other picture in every other album on facebook! but look at it! look at it!" evil creepers.
@thevillagestar - It's frustrating lol - I don't want to see your kid half naked in a basket, or cuddly with its teddy bear or OMG Your kid has speghetti all over his/her face how.. NOT cute - seriously.. that's dirty lol.
Those pictures are hilarious
I really wish I could just take this and put this as a note on my Facebook page!
Awesome. I'm a mom who loves her kids, but I dont think everyone else will! I figure since I don't want to hear about other people's stupid kids, they don't want to hear about mine, no matter how awesome *I* think they may be. ;)
Funny enough, when I went to a reunion, all these girls were showing photos of their kids...and I realized I didn't have any to show - just one old faded one in my wallet. HAHA. My friend, who didn't have kids, point blank looked at them and said, "Um, I don't have any kid photos. Did you want to see some of my HOUSE or my parents? What's with the photos?" it was HILARIOUS. I mean, these girls brought ALBUMS. LMAO. Lame.
I feel sorry for your children.
It is so comforting to know that I am not the only woman of child-bearing age who has not, well, borne any children (and doesn't want to anytime soon). 3 thumbs up for this! And the people that reproduce first are usually the ones that shouldn't have done it at all. Is it any wonder the world is getting dumber every day?
lmao
The parenting fail pictures makes me mad
lol
LoL @ the pics. It's even worse when after they tell you about the damn child that they call the father of the evil spawn on their cell phone and tell you to talk to the freakin baby!!!